Tag Archives: frizzy hair bites

Dear Summer…

I effing hate you. You give me perma-frizz for like four months. You make my face look greasy enough to fry eggs on, if i still ate eggs. I hate sweating and being around humidity. I hate being in the sun and that whole “gotta get a tan” subculture. I also hate shorts and you will NEVER see me in them. Oh yeah, and i hate ‘belly’ shirts, too. First, I’ve had three kids so every shirt i own is a ‘belly’ shirt. Second, you would be hard pressed to find one square inch of my torso that does NOT have some sort of freckle or mole on it. This just occurred in the last few years. Even my own mother, who came to visit and happened to be around while i was getting dressed and only had my bra on, said, “Wow! When did THAT happen? You weren’t ALWAYS covered in moles, right?” My mother. She is soooo going to Shady Pines when she gets older.

Also, I am as pale as the day is long. Like, see-through, I’m so damn pale. I like being pale, to tell you the truth. While everyone around me looks orange and unnaturally leatheresque, I am keeping my youth tightly in my grasp. I get people all the time who say things like, “YOU have teenagers? What, did you start when you were like 12?” To which I would love to reply “Actually, 11. And they have three different daddies, one of which is my brother. Oh, and I’m from Alabammer ‘riginally.” But, I digress. Not everyone can possess my sparkling social graces.

The only good part of summer is the fact that I can eat ice cream ten times a day, and no one (except my scale) looks at me funny. My fiend-oops, friend- at Bake and Destroy! got herself the ice cream attachment for her brand new Kitchen-Aid mixer. Well, I’m not one to be left behind trendwise, so I hopped on that bandwagon faster than you can say “Just TRY to keep up with the Slaters, I dare ya!” However, my old ass Kitchen-Aid was too small for that attachment so I bought the next best thing(I hope), the Cuisinart ice cream maker.

This recipe is actually from the magazine Vegetarian Times, which my daughter insists I subscribe to, or else. It’s a good mag, I like it. This is called ‘super chocolate vegan gelato.’ It is the best vegan gelato recipe ever. I mean that. Here it is-

2 cups plain soy creamer, divided (I used Silk. I love that stuff. One container is exactly two cups. Plus, i found no reason to have this recipe ‘divided’ so i didn’t do that.)

1/2 cup brown sugar

3 Tbsp cocoa powder

3 Tbsp cornstarch

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup mini vegan choc. chips (the recipe actually said 4 oz. semisweet chocolate, finely chopped. Who has time for that?)

2 tsp vanilla

Combine soy milk, cocoa powder, cornstarch and salt over medium heat. Simmer until slightly thickened, stirring constantly with a whisk. Remove from heat and stir in chocolate chips and vanilla until melted and combined. Cover and chill 4 hours or overnight. Mine looked a lot like pudding. Prepare according to ice cream maker’s directions. Hooray! I can do THAT.

Oh, and at the end of mixing, which took about 25 minutes, i tossed in a teaspoon of Starbuck’s coffee liqueur. Not because I’m a boozer or anything, but because I was too lazy to mix up some instant, but also because i have a giant bottle of this stuff so I’m always looking for places to use it.

Holy CRAP was this shizzle delicious!! It was creamy, rich, chocolatey, fudgey and just plain ol’ heavenly. You could barely taste the coffee, which was fine, really. It just sort of gave it that little something extra. Also, next time, i think i will stick the mix in the blender before i heat it up because i did notice tiny clumps of cocoa powder here or there. Nothing serious, just here or there.

I insist that you try it. The Cuisinart was only $60 and I know they have them used on Amazon for like $30.

Also, i went to visit my friend Jackie today who just had a baby girl (named Natalie!) May 9th and ended up staying for less than one hour because Olivia is so scared to death of other kids, she wouldn’t stop tantruming and banshee howling every time Jackie’s little boy Trevor came within ten feet of her. Yes, I have one of THOSE children. Brat.


Filed under Uncategorized